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How do you put four elephants in a Mini?
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two in front and two in back
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Posted: 2002-12-13 14:02:00
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Why A Christmas Tree Is Better Than A Women?
A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
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Posted: 2002-12-18 01:08:00
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HoHoHo...and a Merry XMas to all of ya.....
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Posted: 2002-12-18 04:51:00
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Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's
name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee," Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are . . .very slowly?"
The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr gerrrrrr
Kiiiing."
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Posted: 2002-12-20 08:27:00
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this is not a joke but you'll find this very funny...
http://tlf.cx/dearpenis.swf
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Posted: 2002-12-20 16:21:00
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hahahhahahahahahahaha...good one.....
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Posted: 2002-12-21 01:14:00
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Joke - Genie World Peace
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish genie."
The woman didn't hesitate. She said "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! Don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please make it a bit more reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for, a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said "Let me see that f**kin' map again..."
The wish
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Posted: 2002-12-21 20:20:00
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@shithappens, told 'ya it's funny.
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Posted: 2002-12-22 11:10:00
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this might be a little early but wat the heck.....
You know you're living in 2003 when.....
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach yr family of
three.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Yr reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do
not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
phone in business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a
"9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. Yr CV is on a disk in your pocket.
11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
12. Yr biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of
yr best jokes.
13. Yr boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
14. Contract worker outnumber permanent staff and are more likely
to get long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the 3rd World countries annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or
experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all
the latest features, but you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff
your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time
management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Yr relatives and family describe yr job as "works with computers".
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
"friends".
24. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you
anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
25. AND YOU ARE TOO BUSY TO NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO NUMBER 9.
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Posted: 2002-12-23 08:36:00
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A guy meets a friend and tells him:
- Man! You can't imagine what happened to me yesterday night!
- ...
- When I was going home, i noticed a girl tied up to the railways next to my house. Just like in the Westerns movies. So i saved her, and we fu**d all night long, with me on top, her on top, doggystyle, ... you name it. What a great night!!!
- And what about bj, was she good at it?
- I don't know... i never found her head!!!
[ This Message was edited by: Krubach on 2002-12-23 11:50 ]
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Posted: 2002-12-23 12:49:00
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