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necrophilia
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Posted: 2002-12-23 20:11:00
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Why did the cookie goto the hospital?
He felt crummy
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Posted: 2002-12-24 07:36:00
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2 sausages are being cooked in a pot
one turns and talks to the other:
1st Sausage: Man, Its hot in here!
2nd Sausage: AAAAAAH! a talking sausage
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Posted: 2002-12-24 07:47:00
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Christmas cake.
Enjoy!
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle Jose Cuervo
2 cups of dried fruit
Directions:
Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK. Try
another cup ... just in case Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Who giveshz a shit.
Check the Jose Cuervo
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefing. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window,
Finish the Jose Cuervo and hug the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
Share & Enjoy. Hope the holidays are special for you all!
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Posted: 2002-12-27 13:13:00
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Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old
dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One
day he rented out his boat to a group of
out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all
day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from
the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day
and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his
brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up
a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there
mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your
loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said,
"Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her
bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old
dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad
crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front
too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and
she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I
rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she
smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn
fools tried to get in her all at one time and she
split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.
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Posted: 2002-12-27 13:14:00
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Toast:
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters
club.
One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at
who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the
best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street
corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
with a toast about you Mary."
She said, Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only
been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him
by the ears to make him come!
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Posted: 2002-12-28 11:39:00
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Farting:
This is a story about a couple that had
been happily married for years. The only friction in
their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly
every morning when he awoke. The noise would
wake his wife and The smell would make her eyes water
and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him
to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was
concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to
rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she
was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs
sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the
turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the
spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband
was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed
covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband
of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts
into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband
waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a
blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife
could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture
she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband
came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants
with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was
the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All
these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to
you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you
always told me that one day I would end up farting my
guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the
grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I
think I got most of them back in."
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Posted: 2002-12-28 11:40:00
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Murphy's Rules of Combat
1) If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2) Incoming fire has the right of way.
3) Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4) The easy way is always mined.
5) Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6) Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
7) The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
- When you're ready for them.
- When you're not ready for them.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9) If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
10) If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11) Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12) The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
13) When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14) If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
15) When in doubt empty the magazine.
16) Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
17) Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
18) Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
19) Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20) A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21) Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
22) The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23) Five second fuses only last three seconds.
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Posted: 2002-12-28 18:07:00
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A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival,
the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion
of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were
willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set
the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably
more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the
labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and
kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's
blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they
decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the
husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
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Posted: 2003-01-02 18:50:00
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Whitney was sitting one day when her daughter started prodding her mother's bust and saying, "Mommy, what are these?"
Now Whitney was too shy to tell her the truth, so she replied, "They are balloons and when you die they get bigger and float you up to heaven."
The little girl went away but a short time later she came running back in shouting, "Mommy, Mommy, the maid is dying."
His mother was taken aback and asked why she would say that the maid was about to die. "Well," replied the girl, "both her balloons are out, Daddy is blowing them up, and she keeps shouting, 'God I'm coming!"
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Posted: 2003-01-02 18:51:00
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