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_________________
What Drives You?
[ This Message was edited by: warp86 on 2003-01-14 09:25 ]
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Posted: 2003-01-14 10:23:00
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HELPFUL TIPS TO MAKE LIFE SIMPLER:
1. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
2. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occationally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
3. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. The subsequent food poisoning/ diarrhea can enable you to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
4. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
5. No time for bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
6. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which a contrasting polish should be selected).
7. If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
8. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
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Posted: 2003-01-14 12:20:00
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Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a
hen's butt looked edible?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going
to look you know where anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs! And they think Goofy is the stupid one!!!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in
the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
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Posted: 2003-01-17 14:47:00
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why are goods carried on board a sea vessel called cargo and goods carried by an autombile called shipment?
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Posted: 2003-01-18 10:47:00
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A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in
the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the third-grade too!"
The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The
teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and
tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher
says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Harry both agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes
open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What do men do standing up, woman do sitting down and dogs
do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before
he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless
and bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
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Posted: 2003-01-18 11:20:00
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As we all know, al-Qaeda considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Saturday at 2:00 PM GMT all British women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort to have full effect.
All men are to position themselves in chairs in front of their house to prove they are not al-Qaeda, demonstrating that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all British women.
And since al-Qaeda also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-al-Qaeda sentiment.
The British Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity, especially considering the current weather conditions.
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Posted: 2003-01-22 14:04:00
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Posted: 2003-01-22 14:34:00
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i think that should be implemented over here too.......
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Posted: 2003-01-23 07:56:00
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A DAY @ WORK QUOTES:
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
_________________
Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Becoz "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
[ This Message was edited by: shithappens on 2003-01-25 16:21 ]
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Posted: 2003-01-25 01:38:00
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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on
shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She
figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they
were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights.
She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated
pleasure device ... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real
one.
She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent fake," she
screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these
years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy ... if you explain the kids."
************************************
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm
them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands
are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth
of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He
said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The
warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said,
"My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and
she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned
the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They
make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
*************************************
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Over time, the young man noticed the old man was staring at him. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once when I was in the Marines, on a tropical island, and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
****************************
Tim goes into the doctor's office and has some
tests run.
The doctor comes back and says "Tim, I'm not going to
beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Tim is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots
drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts
and 40 peanuts, ½ box of Grape Nuts cereal, and top it
off with a gallon of prune juice."
Tim asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."
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Posted: 2003-01-31 14:42:00
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