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< Esato Forum Index > General discussions > Non mobile discussion > What is meant by message sent time? Bookmark topic

where are you long distance from and to?

I have to definately say that if he feels that he has to tread on egg shells so that you don't get mad or upset at him, he will deffinately seem distant, trust me i know.

I'll give you some background so you know where i'm coming from --My last rela ended about a month ago after a year. it was long dis whilst I was at uni since she was at home.

i think that the silent thing may well because you've said something, and so he is trying not to enter conflict,
are you making effort to see him?
If you over think things you can make any situation a bad one, try and focus on anything but these suspicions because at the end of the day you're not a detective.


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Posted: 2006-09-06 14:14:27
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Yea it's just so hard. It's partly his fault though that I get mad and upset over things, it's not my fault that he has lied and helped me to become more of a detective (part of me was like this before I met him, admittedly). Plus, he will never admit to lying and takes it out on me when I think he has! However, I am the jealous type when it comes to other females. Just wish he didn't lie about it though...he probably thinks that is avoiding confrontation and overall making life easier, but it's not because I then can't trust him and the cycle worsens.

I'm trying not to focus on the suspicions, its just really hard not to when part of you is convinced you're being two timed. I don't want to overthink like I do, but I can't help looking to catch him out.

He is in Derby, and I am in Essex (so about 3hr drive, and maybe 4hrs on friday). I don't really know if I've made the effort to see him...he has a car and money (just started an industrial placement) whereas I don't and have limited amounts of money to travel up to Derby. Part of me also has resisted making the effort because I feel like I have been making more in the relationship for a fair while now.
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Posted: 2006-09-06 14:23:36
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how long have you been together? has it always been long dist?

Are you saying that he has lied to you before and you've found out, or that you think he is lying about certain things but haven't found out for sure, because there is a big difference,
like i said about the message, i'm looking at one from my friend now and it says....

sent 31-jul-2006
10:29am
recieved: 31-jul-2006
10:28am

so unless I can time travel there is going to be a discrepancy,
part of me is thinking that you are trying to find things suspicious and you are dropping more and more into a "can't be arsed anymore" view...

i don't know maybe you shouldn't be listening to some dude on a placement who has nothing better to do but look at tinternet.

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Posted: 2006-09-06 14:36:29
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Advice from one Essex bod to another:
I think you should suggest taking a break because at the end of the day it will only bring you to a solution.

Put him on the spot and tell him how you been feeling and that you want to split . If he really cares he won't let you go. If he agrees chances are it was only a matter of time before he said it to you anyway.

Sorry to be harsh but why drag it on if you are not happy or secure.



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Posted: 2006-09-06 14:36:35
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Wow.. you live a few hours from each other? I dont know if I could ever live with that. A 20 minute drive is already too far for me!

Anyway - it's healthy to be suspicious - based on your story, I'd be thinking the same thing too.

It's just unfortunate that we're so wired so closely to each other these days with SMS, Email, and IM. We never give ourselves a chance to be missed!

These days, I'm trying to ween myself off it all. Sometime its healthy to just unplug for awhile.
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Posted: 2006-09-06 14:45:32
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Quote:

like i said about the message, i'm looking at one from my friend now and it says....

sent 31-jul-2006
10:29am
recieved: 31-jul-2006
10:28am

so unless I can time travel there is going to be a discrepancy,



I'm not referring to that kind of discrepency. The received time is your phone clock time, the sent time is the network time...chances are your phone clock is a minute slow, hence the discrepency between the sent and received times. What I'm referring to is purely the sent time. The sent time is network dependent, which is set to GMT (so the time at the network station is always accurate). In my case, the sent time said 23:10, which was just after he said hi on msn, yet he says he sent it earlier than that. As I said before, if he had sent it when he said and the message was delayed then the sent time would have indicated that. I.e. it would say 23:08 and my received time would read 23:10. You might be right about looking for it though....

We have been together for 16 months, spent all of last year together at Uni, have only been long distance since beginning of July. It's hard to say about lying thing...it's always been similar to this where evidence suggests I've caught him in a lie, but he's always denied it, so I've never been sure he was lying. Sometimes though it has been blatant that he has lied to me.

As regards to what bulti48 said, the reason I'm hanging on is because I am not sure enough to end things. I don't want to (I would though if I was confident in my theories that he is mucking me around). Having said that I don't know if I would ever truly accept he was cheating even if I had concrete evidence...I'd probably still doubt myself because a) I don't trust myself and b) I don't want it to be true...
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Posted: 2006-09-06 14:47:31
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don't say you want a break, the minute you say that he will feel rejected and will think that you have chosen to put an kind ending to the relationship, he'll go out with his mates and they'll all tell him to forget about you etc.

what uni did you go, are you both going back? if so that can't be far off.

it must be pretty hard for him too if you are always saying he's lying, so he must really like you to stay with you even tho you are always excusing him, which would suggest he wasn't lying,
Also you have to ask what was the lying about was he being spiteful when lying or was it about something else.

are you purposely looking for faults in the relationships at this point because you feel you want something fresh or have you been like this from the start and if so how did you cope then,..

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Posted: 2006-09-06 15:00:17
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Yes I am reluctant to suggest a break. I get the impression, based on how he has reacted to arguments and seeminly insurmountable problems before, that he tends to be self defeatest and be certain that he is unable to sort them and do anymore than what he is currently doing. So, if I was to suggest a break he probably wouldn't fight for me because he would just accept that he can't do anymore at the present time, and let me go.. he is a bit cowardly in that sense. I've always seen it as a reflection of how much he cares, but now I'm starting to think he just believes he is set to fail in relationships and his actions result from a low self esteem as opposed to not loving me.

We go to Loughborough. I'm going back to Uni in next couple of weeks, he will be continuing his placement. So although we wont be seeing each other daily like last year, we will see each other every weekend (hopefully).

If he wasn't lying and I keep accusing him then yes it would be hard. I know you guys (and in fact girls) like to be trusted to do the best by your girl. Yes, also, if he wasn't lying then yea he must really like me to stay with me. Problem is this, there is no way that I am wrong everytime I accuse him of lying. Plus, he has almost got into the habit of lying in the past, so why would I be any different. In which case he is probably staying with me because he knows he is in the wrong too. Also, part of me knows he is scared of being alone, so I feel like he is only keeping with me for that very reason....not sure how much of that is looking at it logically based on what he has told me, or an unrealistic analysis of his behaviour on my part due to a low self esteem.

The instances in which he lies is normally (from how I see it) to cover his back and avoid being challenged (his mum lets him get away with blue murder so he isn't used to not getting his own way)...so in all instances where he knows/thinks I would disapprove, or in instances where he is trying to impress me. Problem is here, that doesn't necessarily mean he will only lie about small things. If he thinks I will get upset or think badly of him, then he will lie big or small! I've given up accusing him of lying now anyway, he just gets on the defensive. I just probe instead..that's when I tend to "catch him out", or partly believe so anyway. I wish I didn't probe...but now my probing has caught him out on more than one occassion, its hard to stop.

I don't want to lose him so if I am sabotaging the relationship its not because I'm too scared to end it. More like I'm too scared of getting hurt. However, if I truly was trying to sabotage it surely I would have scarpered the minute I had some evidence, whether it be concrete or not.


[ This Message was edited by: Keels on 2006-09-06 14:16 ]

[ This Message was edited by: Keels on 2006-09-06 14:17 ]
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Posted: 2006-09-06 15:14:03
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""""""Yes I am reluctant to suggest a break. I get the impression, based on how he has reacted to arguments and seeminly insurmountable problems before, that he tends to be self defeatest and be certain that he is unable to sort them and do anymore than what he is currently doing. So, if I was to suggest a break he probably wouldn't fight for me because he would just accept that he can't do anymore at the present time, and let me go.. he is a bit cowardly in that sense. I've always seen it as a reflection of how much he cares, but now I'm starting to think he just believes he is set to fail in relationships and his actions result from a low self esteem as opposed to not loving me. """"
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Thats quite true about the self defeatest, because I don't know about most people but i think that if the girl has come to the descision to go on a break then they've obviously been thinking it thro (unless they're snap decsion makers, most are not) and so if it comes to the point where she suggests it they it's already to late and fighting also makes u feel vunerable to more rejection (something i think people dont like)

"""""
We go to Loughborough. I'm going back to Uni in next couple of weeks, he will be continuing his placement. So although we wont be seeing each other daily like last year, we will see each other every weekend (hopefully)."""""""
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If i were him i would be more worried about you still partying at uni with ur friends, perhaps this is a realisation he is coming to face?

""""""If he wasn't lying and I keep accusing him then yes it would be hard. I know you guys (and in fact girls) like to be trusted to do the best by your girl. Yes, also, if he wasn't lying then yea he must really like me to stay with me. Problem is this, there is no way that I am wrong everytime I accuse him of lying. Plus, he has almost got into the habit of lying in the past, so why would I be any different. In which case he is probably staying with me because he knows he is in the wrong too. Also, part of me knows he is scared of being alone, so I feel like he is only keeping with me for that very reason....not sure how much of that is looking at it logically based on what he has told me, or an unrealistic analysis of his behaviour on my part due to a low self esteem.
"""""
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I don't think the assumption should be made that if you lie to protect someone, that you'll lie to protect urself should be made. It's harder than you think to lie all the time no matter who the person is. Also if there was another girl he would have to hide it from both you and her (probably a harder task than imagined). You can't be wrong everytime, but at the same time you can't be right everytime, yet he's still with you. You need to see if he lies to his friends and about what. because if they are bad lies and tohis friends then there will be a problem...but small lies like reasons for not going to the pub don't matter..

"""
The instances in which he lies is normally (from how I see it) to cover his back and avoid being challenged (his mum lets him get away with blue murder so he isn't used to not getting his own way)...so in all instances where he knows/thinks I would disapprove, or in instances where he is trying to impress me. Problem is here, that doesn't necessarily mean he will only lie about small things. If he thinks I will get upset or think badly of him, then he will lie big or small! I've given up accusing him of lying now anyway, he just gets on the defensive. I just probe instead..that's when I tend to "catch him out", or partly believe so anyway. I wish I didn't probe...but now my probing has caught him out on more than one occassion, its hard to stop. """"
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I would say probing is far worse than straight out confrontation, the moment you start probing he will know, and when you continue it will only make him feel worse, and less trusted. If you keep trying to catch him out he will notice and the things he will be saying to his friends are ("my own gf doesn't trust me she keeps asking me stupid questions and its well annoying")

"""
I don't want to lose him so if I am sabotaging the relationship its not because I'm too scared to end it. More like I'm too scared of getting hurt. However, if I truly was trying to sabotage it surely I would have scarpered the minute I had some evidence, whether it be concrete or not.
"""
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i suppose what you said here was true...
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Posted: 2006-09-06 15:34:42
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Does he trust you?


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Posted: 2006-09-06 15:45:58
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