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I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Goof. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
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Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Becoz "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
[ This Message was edited by: shithappens on 2003-02-01 03:33 ]
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Posted: 2003-02-01 04:30:00
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nice one
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Posted: 2003-02-03 14:55:00
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Dan wuz in the pub till it closed at 2am....totally drunk, he staggers outta the pub and ponders for a moment. With the oh-so-strict drunk driving laws in effect, Dan decides against driving home. It's cool as he stays only a coupla blocks from his apartment. The walk was slow (he's pissed drunk after all) and he's nearing his apartment when a patrol car spots him and stops over.
Officer: Would you mind telling me just where you think you are going at this hour sir?
Dan: (Hic!) I'm gonna to attend a lecture.....
Officer: At this hour?? You hafta be joking...
Dan: Precisely at this hour (hic!) my good man! Haf you ever tried going home to your missus drunk at 2 in the morning??
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Posted: 2003-02-10 04:57:00
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A guy in a sleek sports car was testing out his new wheels when the famous Blue Lights appeared in his rear view mirrior. He gave it a go to out run the cop but canged his mind after a coupple of minutes thinking of the consequences and pulled over.
The copper came up to the car, "OK, it's friday, my chift is soon over and I'm in a good mood. If you can give me a VERY good reason for your actions I'll let you off."
"Well, Officer. You see, my wife ran off with a cop the other day and I was worried it was you, coming to hand her back..."
He was let off.
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Posted: 2003-02-10 11:41:00
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
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Posted: 2003-02-10 11:53:00
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TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
They pay you back by selling you illegal fireworks and let you blow up small parts of your country.
You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.....
You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
a) You can legally kill yourself
b) You can legally be killed
You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.
If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
If other countries want to fight a war, they will do in your country.
You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
You are either:-
a) like the Dutch, just less efficient
b) like the French, just less romantic
c) like the Germans
Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer. Need I say more?
No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders
Face it. It's not really a country, is it?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time.
You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
If there's a war you can surrender really early.
You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries (Well who hasn't eh?)
You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
You don't have to bother with toilets, just sh*t in the street
People think you're a great lover even when you're not
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
You can have a woman president without electing her
You can spell color wrong and get away with it
You can call Budweiser beer
You can be a crook and still be president
If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
If you can breathe you can get a gun
You get to be really obese
You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
a) When you're not.
b) At all.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN
You get to pay the highest taxes in the world
You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
You can go skiing in your knickers.
You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly spacious.
When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
You can actually get bored with blondes.
You get to wear fantastic jumpers
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
Two World Wars and One World Cup-doo-dah, doo-dah
Proper beer.
You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
Union jack underpants.
Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
Ditto changing underwear.
Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
You ain't English!
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
Unembarrassed to wear fur.
No need to worry about tax returns.
Glorious military history prior to 400 BC
Can wear sunglasses inside.
Political stability.
Flexible working hours.
Live near the Pope.
Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
Country run by Sicilian murderers
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
Honesty.
Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
You get to eat bulls' testicles.
Gibraltar.
Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
Give them a second chance...
Oktoberfest.
Oktoberfest-beer.
BMW.
VW.
Audi.
Mercedes.
On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world.
You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
Contrary to common belief, laughing is not forbidden by law.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
Chicken Madras.
Lamb Passanda.
Onion Bhaji.
Bombay Potato.
Chicken Tikka Masala.
Rogan Josh.
Popadoms.
Chicken Dopiaza.
Meat Boona.
Kingfisher lager.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
Guinness.
18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
Pubs never close.
Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
No one can ever remember the night before.
Kill people you don't agree with.
Stew.
More Guinness.
Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
It beats being an American.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
Kill Grizzly bears with huge f**k-off shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
Fosters Lager.
Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
Tact and sensitivity.
Bondi Beach.
Other beaches.
Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
Drinking cold lager on the beach.
Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK
Doner.
Shish.
Cos.
Greasy cafes.
Egg, bacon, beans, chips and toast.
Cyprus.
Can take the piss out of the Turks.
Kebabs.
Egg, bacon, beans, chips and toast.
Moustaches.
And finally, if you're not on the list, you're not culturally different...
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Posted: 2003-02-12 09:42:00
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Posted: 2003-02-12 18:38:00
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Posted: 2003-02-12 18:50:00
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Michael Jackson
How doe MJ pick his nose?
With a catalog.
What's the difference between MJ and a grocery bag?
One's white, made from plastic, and harmful to children, the other you
carry your groceries in.
Why did Pepsi fire MJ?
Coz he was caught sucking on a Squirt!
How do we know MJ is guilty?
Because he's been fingered by several children.
What is MJ's new book called?
The Ins & Outs of Child Rearing.
When is it bedtime at Neverland Ranch?
When the big hand is on the little hand.
Why does MJ want to be a jockey?
Because he heard they ride 3 year olds.
What's the hardest stain to get out of little boy's underpants? MJ's make-up.
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Posted: 2003-02-13 14:36:00
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good one mate.....when the big hand is on the little hand
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Posted: 2003-02-14 07:37:00
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