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Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door... There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the
reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
On a propaganda tour through the United States, President George Bush
visits a school and explains his political actions.
Afterwards he invites the children to ask him questions.
Little Bob rises to speak:
Mr. President, I have got three questions to ask:
1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest
terrorist attack of all times?
Just in that moment the bell for the break rings and the children run out of
the classroom.
When they come back from the break President Bush encourages them
again to ask questions.
This time Joey rises to speak:
Mr. President, I have got five questions to ask:
1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest
terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes earlier today?
5. Where is Bob???
_________________
It's funny how red is the color of love and hell... I guess they go hand in hand
[ This Message was edited by: fijbert on 2003-02-14 07:29 ]
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Posted: 2003-02-14 08:28:00
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Q, Whats ET short for,
A, Because he`s got little legs !
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Posted: 2003-02-14 13:11:00
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Three reasons to have a £ 50 note tattooed onto your penis:
1 - You can play with it.
2 - You can watch your money grow.
3 - Your girlfriend / wife can blow as much money as she likes.
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Posted: 2003-02-14 14:42:00
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great thread! some contributions
First-year students at medical school were receiving their first
anatomy class with the body of a deceased man. They all gathered around
the
surgery table where lay the cadaver, covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is
that
you must not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
To prove his point, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
finger
in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go
ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, and after a few minutes of hesitation, took
turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,
"The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger
and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding...
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.
Officer: Can I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: Oh, it's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Yeah. Oh, but come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove compartment when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: You have a gun in there?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the lady who owns the car. She's in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the trunk?!?
The officer tells the man to hold on, backs off carefully, and calls for backup. Quickly, the car is surrounded by police, and the captain approaches the driver to handle the situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure, Officer.
Captain: Hmm, this license is just fine. Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open the glove compartment, please, so I can see if there's a gun in there?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
He opens it, and sure enough, there's no gun.
Captain: Would you mind if we opened the trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there.
Driver: No problem.
The trunk is opened, nothing in there but a spare tire.
Captain: The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove compartment, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!
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Posted: 2003-02-16 18:12:00
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Posted: 2003-02-17 00:28:00
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Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a liquor store and asks the clerk for a case of beer.
The clerk asks, "What kind of beer would you like, we have imports, domestic, we have all kinds of beer."
The man says, "I don’t care what beer it is, as long as it is not Schlitz."
The clerk says, "What's so wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it?"
The man says, "I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks."
The clerk reply’s, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks."
"You don't understand," said the man, "Chunks is my dog."
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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..........
"You f**king idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!
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Edward walks out of a bar completely wasted, stumbling back and forth holding his car key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.
"Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was right here at the end of this key", Edward replies.
At this point the cop looks down to see that Edward’s penis is hanging out of his trousers.
The cop asks, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you are exposing yourself? "
Edward looks down sadly and moans,
"OHHH SHIT...they got my girlfriend too!!!"
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The Best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers"
"What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
"What's new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach
& they're demanding beer."
"What'd you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."
"What'll you have Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy.
"I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
Let's cut to the happy ending."
"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
"What's the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going IN Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."
"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
_________________
"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip outta man's genitals through his wallet."
[ This Message was edited by: shithappens on 2003-02-17 04:18 ]
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Posted: 2003-02-17 05:13:00
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A blond joke...
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
"Comfortable?" the guy questions.
"Yes, you see she reads slow."
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Posted: 2003-02-17 19:19:00
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call me dumb, but i totally did not get the last joke.
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Posted: 2003-02-18 09:30:00
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when read aloud slowly it sounds like:
come for the bull
com-for-ta-ble
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Posted: 2003-02-18 10:07:00
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it's an old one that, oldy but goody!
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Posted: 2003-02-18 11:35:00
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