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I usually get my jokes from ppl who get the tons of crappy jokes, they filter out the bad stuff and send me the good stuff
but I stopped e-mailing jokes..
ppl just dont read their mail so they go over their storage..
blah
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Posted: 2003-02-23 09:52:00
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THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain;Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
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Posted: 2003-02-26 15:06:00
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u're the man!
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Posted: 2003-02-26 15:49:00
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cheers!
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Posted: 2003-02-26 20:17:00
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real gems mate....real gems!!! kudos.....
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Posted: 2003-02-27 03:58:00
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Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no fookin way we can feed two million prisoners."
************************************************
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three
very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures
had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly
half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans
in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis
also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay
men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all. They're just
three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
_________________
Mornin.
Deize![ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-03-03 17:50 ]
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Posted: 2003-03-03 18:37:00
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lol
that's some gooooood stuff!!
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Posted: 2003-03-03 23:48:00
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@eleventy: now thats some really good shit.....gonna email it to some of my mates....
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Posted: 2003-03-04 06:15:00
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> Professor's Exam, The Car Broke Down
> Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided
> to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they
> showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the
> night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time
> to study.
>
> The professor told them that they could have another day to study.
> That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were
> sure that they knew just about everything.
>
> Arriving to class the next morning, each boy wa! s told to go to two
> separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and
> went to two different parts of the building.
>
> As each sat down, they read the first question.
>
> "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."
>
> At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of
> cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test
> continued.
>
> "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."
>
>
> Smart Lawyer In Space Trip
>
> NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending
> to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it
> would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.
>
> The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he
> wanted to be paid for going.
>
> "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate
> it all to my Alma mater-Rice University."
>
> The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the
> same question.
! >
> "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my
> family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical
> research."
>
> The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he
> wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
>
> "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
>
> The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one
> million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
>
> Children'! s Name & Mothers' Obsessions
> A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three
> young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions,"
> he observed.
> To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
> even named your daughter Candy."
> He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it
> manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
> At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand
> and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
>
>
> ! UNIQUE BREAKFAST
> A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that
> read "Unique Breakfast", so he walked in and sat down.
> The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
> "What's your 'Unique Breakfast'?" he asked inquisitively.
> "Baked tongue of chicken," she replied proudly.
> "Baked tongue of chicken? Do you have ANY idea how disgusting
> that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out
> of a chicken's mouth!" the man fumed.
> Undaunted, the waitress asked, "Well, what would you like then, sir?"
> The man replied! , "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."
>
> Advanced Technologies Found In Ancient Civiliations
> After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found
> traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the
> conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network
> one thousand years ago.
>
> So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American
> scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US
> scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibbers, and
> have concluded that their anc! estors already had advanced high-
> tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
>
> One week later, the Indian press reported the following:
> "After digging as deep as 800m, Indian scientists have found
> absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their
> ancestors were already using mobile phones and used wireless
> communications."
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Posted: 2003-03-04 12:19:00
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good one mate
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Posted: 2003-03-05 07:52:00
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