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nice one bruv!
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Posted: 2003-03-05 14:46:00
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There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil
shortage here in the USA. Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know that we were
getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical...... All the oil
is in California, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, New Mexico,
Alaska, etc.
All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC.
************************************
85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms because she is concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action.
They unite as one.
All goes well. Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris.
Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised Lou Anne consents to more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but aha you guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old ready for more "action."
Once again they enjoy each other. But, as Morris is set to leave again,his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
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Posted: 2003-03-05 19:08:00
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An emperor in the Far East was growing old and knew it was time to
choose his successor. Instead of choosing one of his assistants or his
children, he decided something different. He called young people in
the kingdom together one day. He said, "It is time for me to step down and
choose the next emperor. I have decided to choose one of you." The
kids were shocked! But the emperor continued. "I am going to give each one
of you a seed today. One very special seed. I want you to plant the seed,
water it and come back here one year from today with what you have grown
from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and
the one I choose will be the next emperor!"
One boy named Ling was there that day and he, like the others,
received a seed. He went home and excitedly told his mother the story.
She helped him get a pot and planting soil, and he planted the seed
and watered it carefully. Every day he would water it and watch to see
if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other youths
began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.
Ling kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, 4
weeks, 5 weeks went by. Still nothing. By now, others were talking
about their plants but Ling didn't have a plant, and he felt like a
failure.
Six months went by--still nothing in Ling's pot. He just knew he had
killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had
nothing. Ling didn't say anything to his friends, however. He just
kept waiting for his seed to grow.
A year finally went by and all the youths of the kingdom brought
their plants to the emperor for inspection. Ling told his mother that he
wasn't going ! to take an empty pot. But honest about what happened,
Ling felt sick to his stomach, but he knew his mother was right. He took
his empty pot to the palace.
When Ling arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by
the other youths. They were beautiful--in all shapes and sizes. Ling put
his empty pot on the floor and many of the other kinds laughed at him. A
few felt sorry for him and just said, "Hey nice try."
When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young
people. Ling just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants,
trees and flowers you have grown," said the emperor. "Today, one of
you will be appointed the next emperor!"
All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Ling at the back of the room
with his empty pot. He ordered his guards to bring him to the front. Ling
was terrified. "The emperor knows I'm! a failure! Maybe he will have me
killed!" When Ling got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. "My
name is Ling," he replied. All the kids were laughing and making fun
of him. The emperor asked everyone to quiet down. He looked at Ling, and
then announced to the crowd, "Behold your new emperor! His name is
Ling!"
Ling couldn't believe it. Ling couldn't even grow his seed. How
could he be the new emperor? Then the emperor said, "One year ago today, I
gave everyone here a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it,
water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds
which would not grow. All of you, except Ling, have brought me trees and
plants and flowers.
When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another
seed for the one I gave you. Ling was the only one with the courage and
honesty to bring! me a pot with my seed in it.
Therefore, he is the one who will be the new emperor!"
> > > > If you plant honesty, You will reap trust
> > > > If you plant goodness, You will reap friends
> > > > If you plant humility, You will reap greatness
> > > > If you plant perseverance, You will reap victory
> > > > If you plant consideration, You will reap harmony
> > > > If you plant hard work, You will reap success
> > > > If you plant forgiveness, You will reap reconciliation
> > > > If you plant openness, You will reap intimacy
> > > > If you plant patience, You will reap improvements
> > > > If you plant faith, You will reap miracles
> > > > But
> > > > If you plant dishonesty, You will reap distrust.
> > > > If you plant selfishness, You will reap loneliness
> > > > If you plant pride, You will reap destruction
> > > > If you plant envy, You will reap trouble
> > > > If you plant laziness, You will reap stagnation.
> > > > If ! you plant bitterness, You will reap isolation
> > > > If you plant greed, You will reap loss
> > > > If you plant gossip, You will reap enemies
> > > > If you plant worries, You will reap wrinkles
> > > > If you plant sin, You will reap guilt
> > > >
> > > > So be careful what you plant now, It will determine what you will
reap
> > > > tomorrow
> > > > The seeds you now scatter, Will make life worse or better your life
or
> > > > the ones who will come after.
> > > > Yes, someday, you will enjoy the fruits, Or you will pay for the
> > > > choices you plant today.
_________________
SE also stands for Superior Equipment.
(says me, and those pple with things called brains.)
[ This Message was edited by: supersonicfruitfly on 2003-03-07 14:13 ]
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Posted: 2003-03-07 15:09:00
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25 Signs that you've grown up:
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
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2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
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3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
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4. 600 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
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5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
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6. You watch the Weather Channel.
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7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
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8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
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9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
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10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
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11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
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12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
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13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
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14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
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15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
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16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 ! ! PM.
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17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
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18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset rather than settle, your stomach.
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19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condom and pregnancy tests.
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20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
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21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
~
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
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23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
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24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
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25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.
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Posted: 2003-03-10 14:45:00
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A man boarded an airplane, and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his, and sat down. Eager to strike up a conversation with her, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"
She turned to him and smiled and said, "business, I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he'd ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a convention for nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "what's your role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. " I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.
We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the southern redneck."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable, and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Cletus."
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Posted: 2003-03-11 14:49:00
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classic man.......
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Posted: 2003-03-12 05:32:00
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that one was beautiful, 117...
best one i read here so far!!!
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Posted: 2003-03-12 15:45:00
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eh?
wasn't it bubba?
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Posted: 2003-03-12 17:50:00
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Quote:
On 2003-03-12 17:50, ShawO wrote:
eh?
wasn't it bubba?
depends on the version of the joke m8, i prefer Cletus because Cletus is the redneck out of the Simpsons, as in Cletus The Slack-Jawed Yokel
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Posted: 2003-03-12 19:00:00
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Oh... How could I forget :P But that's the first time i heard this version :-)
This message was posted from a T68i
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Posted: 2003-03-13 12:57:00
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