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u started it on the 14th May last year and still goin!
longer than the UK thread (altho nowhere near the amount of posts!)
_________________
Mornin.
Deize![ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-03-18 19:27 ]
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Posted: 2003-03-18 20:26:00
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I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.
ME: Hello.
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T ...
ME: Is this AT&T.?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....
ME: This is AT&T.?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....
ME: Is this AT&T.?
AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr.Byron, please.?
ME: May I ask who is calling.?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
ME: Ok, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
ME: Hello.?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron.?
ME: May I ask who is calling, please.?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: This is AT&T.?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: The phone company.?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
ME: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you
10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
ME: 7 days a week.?
AT&T: That's right.
ME: 365 days a year.?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
ME: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one
at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check,
can I get a cash advance.?
AT&T: Excuse me.?
ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about.?
ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week,
365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute,
that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme?
I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for ...
ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please.?
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor.!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.
At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.
SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron.?
ME: Yeth.?
SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
ME: Is This A T & T.?
SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.
ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter
and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to
get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
ME: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?
ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family" thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: click........
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An Amish couple had just been married and went to a
hotel for their honeymoon. The Amish man went to the
front desk and asked for a room. He said this occasion
was very special to them and they needed a good room.
The clerk winked and asked "Do you want the Bridal?
The Amish fellow thought about it a while and then
replied, "No, I guess not, I'll just hold onto her
ears until she gets used to it."
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Posted: 2003-03-19 14:56:00
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This guy is walking down the street and he sees a sign for a business that reads "Ole Svenson's Chinese Laundry".
Curious, he walks inside and asks to chat with the owner. "How did you come about that name of your business there?" He asks.
"Well," said the chinese owner, "it's a strange thing. When I was immigrating into this country, I was waiting on a Swede to finish with the immigration officer. Finally he did, and when it was my turn, the first thing they asked was my name, so I told them: Sam Ting."
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Posted: 2003-03-19 17:21:00
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Posted: 2003-03-19 17:28:00
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Posted: 2003-03-19 18:38:00
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A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use your dictaphone?"
He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else."
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Posted: 2003-03-19 21:54:00
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There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'
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Posted: 2003-03-19 22:44:00
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liebniz - heard them, but they're oldi-but-goodies
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work theparrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
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A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
********************************************
Controverisal (and I know i'm gonna get flamed for these) but anyway:
Parlez vous francais?
"My favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is the one that
says 'First Iraq, then France'." Tom Brokaw
"The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from
Iraq. Well Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler from France." - Jay
Leno
"France said this week they need more evidence to convince them Saddam is a
threat. Yeah, last time France asked for more evidence it came rollin thru
Paris with a German flag on it." - Dave Letterman
Why are all the highways in France lined with trees? So the Germans can
march in the shade!!!
France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. France is miserable
because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because
they live in France. - Mark Twain
Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada. - Ted
Nugent
The only way the French are going in with us is if we tell them we found
truffles in Iraq.
War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II.
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The French Army.
How many frenchman does it take to defend Paris? We don't know, it's never
been tried.
The best French bashing line heard over the last week is:
"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when
they needed us."
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In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out his best friend was screwing his wife.
_________________
Mornin.
Deize![ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-03-20 18:02 ]
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Posted: 2003-03-20 19:00:00
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the french thing wasnt cool..
nor was it funny...
I wont flame u.. u didnt say these comments...
but to the dumbass who did..
the french r being smarter by avoiding war..
if u want this planet to survive.. we must first instaure ecological safety, and secondly a uranium use barrier..
we shall remain a primitive retarded civilization and wont more than 2 centuries if we keep this up
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Posted: 2003-03-20 20:04:00
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I thought the French bits were very funny. Come on, we have been making fun of the French for generations - it's a tradition. If we can't laugh at ourselves afterall, when who can we laugh at?
Let's not get too philisophical here. We simply don't have enough information to know if the USA is doing the right thing, or if we are going to all be blown to bits next week. Obviously we all prefer the former.
Just my 0.02
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Posted: 2003-03-20 23:58:00
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