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speaking of gems ...
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John died and arrived in Hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder, gentler, more customer focused Hell, each person is offered three choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1,000-year cycles and you could pick which cycle to begin with.
The Devil took John to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. John said he did not think that was where he wanted to start. They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a cat-o-nine-tails. John also declined this form of torture.
The third room had a old man strapped to the wall naked, and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. John told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted. The Devil said, "Are you sure? It lasts for a thousand years!" John assured him this was the punishment he wanted. So the Devil walked over to the young blond woman and said ... ...
"You can go now, I've found your replacement."
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Posted: 2003-03-25 22:33:00
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heard that b4 but it's still a good'un
Now that the mighty American Military has reorganized the Iraqi landscape,
the people are now free. Some of them have renamed their towns, to help
memorialize their experience under Saddam, and the war that brought
them a now peaceful life. Here are a few of the new names.
1) Wherzmaroof
2)Makamel-Izded
3)Oshitdis-Abad
4)Waddi-el-Izgowenon
5)Pleez-Ztopdishit
6)Kizz-Yerass-Gudbi
7)Ikantstandis-Nomur
Whadefuk-Wazi-Tinkin
9)Maturban-Izaburnin
10)Imma-Dedschmuck
_________________
Mornin.
Deize![ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-03-26 13:53 ]
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Posted: 2003-03-26 14:32:00
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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision
to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the
way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses
the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our
wedding gifts, please."
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Posted: 2003-03-27 14:49:00
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this would probably make a good signature, but i'll post it here anyway(got it today by e-mail):
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy, The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is
accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war."
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Posted: 2003-03-28 13:58:00
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think u'll find superluminova already has that as his signature m8
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Posted: 2003-03-28 14:29:00
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really!...
i didn't see it...
sorry super...!
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Posted: 2003-03-28 16:28:00
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An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he
was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began
to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on. All of a
sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
smackin the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he
would listen for a minute, then nod hishead in agreement; but when a
man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake
his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the
ministerdecided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the
funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he
nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head
and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say
something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress
was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
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Posted: 2003-03-28 18:41:00
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i'm gonna get fired if i read any more of u're jokes, man...
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Posted: 2003-03-28 19:27:00
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why? do ur colleagues not have a sense of humour?
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Posted: 2003-03-28 19:31:00
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why do u have to pass judgement on the garbage folk...
don't be that way, Kev... come on.
hillarious comments were made here often. i'm sorry u didn't read them... the "WAR" thread was histerical in the begining. i created the thread and the "idea" around it, and everytime i read the posts that were made when i was gone, i just couldn't believe my eyes! these people could allways make me laugh, and it sure was surprising.
the garbage folk can allways surprise me. that's why i lose a lot of time here.
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Posted: 2003-03-28 20:29:00
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