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oh man!
that one is definatly better!
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Posted: 2003-04-01 20:18:00
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How about this one?
- - -
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."
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Posted: 2003-04-01 20:43:00
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that one is just pure nasty...
(adultery IS an institution, dont' u think?...
)
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Posted: 2003-04-01 20:49:00
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A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."
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Posted: 2003-04-01 21:02:00
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'Det var en gång en gång och gången den var sandad'
Not fun at all, and it is on swedish !!
(Makes no sense...)
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Posted: 2003-04-01 21:18:00
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Here's some oldies but goodies ...
- - -
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
- - -
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
- - -
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."
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Posted: 2003-04-01 21:23:00
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some classics m8
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Posted: 2003-04-02 01:01:00
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hahaha!
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Posted: 2003-04-02 02:41:00
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Jim n Mary wer both patients n a mental hosptal.1 day wyl they wer walkng past d hosptal swimng pool,Jim sudenly jumpd n2 d deep end.he sunk 2 d bottom n stayed der.Mary promptly jump 2 save him.She swam n pulled Jim out.
Wen d medical director knew of Mary's heroic deed,he immediately orderd her 2 be dischargd frm d hosptal, as he considerd her 2 be mentally stable.He den tell Mary d news,he said,"Mary,I hav gud news n bad news.d gud news s ur being dischrged coz u wer able 2 jumpd in n save life of anothr patient,I thnk u hav regaind ur senses.D bad news s,Jim ,d patient u save,hung himself w/ his bathrobe belt n d bathroom.I'm so sorry, but he's dead."Mary replied,"No!...He didn't hang himself,I put him der 2 dry."
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Posted: 2003-04-02 08:37:00
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nice one bluemint
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he'sdrinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes
& eats them,then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billard balls, sticks it
in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in
sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate,
then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with
him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it
out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted."Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt,
pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender."Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"
replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass
that cue ball, he measures everything first."
*************************************
A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks-one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom. Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation. "What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks.
"Huey," answers the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?".
"Dewey," comes the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about nice my day."
***********************************
A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.
What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.
Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please."
Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man."
Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!"
Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!"
The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders.
Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?
****************************************
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on the beach. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book... Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello sir, how are you?" "Fine thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked..
"First time since my wife passed away last year", he replied.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes", he answered, continuing to read..
Jackie persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, whipped off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life..
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Jackie gasped and asked the man, " How did you know that is what I wanted?"
The man replied, " How did you know my name was Katz ? "
_________________
Mornin.
Deize![ This Message was edited by: Eleventy7 on 2003-04-02 13:45 ]
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Posted: 2003-04-02 14:33:00
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