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u mean like this?
@ vlamm
oh wow... so cuute
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Posted: 2003-06-23 21:32:47
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In a trial, in a small South Carolina town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in and asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help her God.
She said, "I do."
She was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit, paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. He slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, big-mouthed and has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail for contempt. Is that clear?"
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Posted: 2003-06-24 01:07:23
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good one..
...Mr. Bradley?
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Posted: 2003-06-24 01:17:00
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Well well..... NOW we know what u're up to!!
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Posted: 2003-06-24 08:48:06
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One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all
of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she
landed, she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch
asked why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog
games. Boo hoo."
"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her
magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking
himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked
an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some
things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix
things up for him.
So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.
Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the
skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a
thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink
elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their
elephant games. Boo hoo."
Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic
looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright
heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she
waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.
All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he
noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch
about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just
couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.
At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where
the wizard is", he sobbed.
"Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good
witch.
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Posted: 2003-06-24 14:41:45
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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that
they
don't sell bum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures
the
pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a
regular
basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry,"says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks
at
it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the
container "To apply, push up bottom."
--
Posted: 2003-06-24 18:49:05
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im to her
apartment
& said: "tie me to the bed & do what black men do
best!" So he ran off
with
her TV & DVD player...!
***********************************************************
Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me
every morning
Husband: "I wish you are a newspaper TOO my dear...so
I can have a NEW
ONE
every morning!"
***********************************************************
A Chinese couple was married. When baby born, eyes
were big & blue,
Hair was curly & blonde, skin was brown.
Finally, name of the baby was ... SAM TING LONG
("something wrong")
***********************************************************
A lady visited her doctor one morning.
Doc said: "U look so weak & exhausted! Are u eating
your meals 3 times
a day as I advised?
Lady: "Doc, I thought u said 3 males a day!"
***********************************************************
A camel & an elephant met & elephant asked: "Why do
you have your
breasts on your back?"
The camel responded: "What a silly question from
someone who has a
dick on his face!"
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Posted: 2003-06-25 10:55:37
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--
Posted: 2003-06-25 12:11:28
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Stress Reliever # 1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other
problem can there be greater than this one?"
_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 4
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of
the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER
WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 6
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 7
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls
Royce."
Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 9
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
_____________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 10
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
--
Posted: 2003-06-26 03:36:53
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this stuff is golden!!
--
Posted: 2003-06-26 06:46:36
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