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a good samaritan is a dead samaritan
nice one eleventy7
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Posted: 2003-07-01 07:37:23
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Very funny, must read.
Ah Soh wants to buy a TV set. She goes to a shop.
Ah Soh : "Do you have color TV ?"
Salesgirl : "Yes !"
Ah Soh : "Give me a green one, please "
=============================================================Ah Soh is filling up an application form for a job.
She supplied the information for the columns on
Name, Age, Address etc
Then she comes to column on "Salary Expected"
She is not sure of the question.
After much thought, she writes " Yes "
=============================================================Ah Soh goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Soh : "What is that shiny object ?"
Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
Ah Soh : "What does it do ?"
Saleslesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Ah Soh : "I'll buy it"
The next day, Ah Soh goes to work with her thermo flask
Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
Ah Soh : "It's a thermos flask."
Boss : "What does it do?"
Ah Soh : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss : "What do you have in it ?"
Ah Soh : "Two cups of coffee and a coke" (^_^)
=============================================================After taking photocopies of documents,
Ah Soh always compare it with the original for spelling mistakes.
=============================================================Ah Soh always smile during lightning storms
Because she thinks her picture is being taken.
============================================================= How can you tell if the fax is from Ah Soh ?
Because it has a postage stamp on it.
=============================================================Why can't Ah Soh dial 911 ?
Because she can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.
=============================================================Ah Soh and her friend board a double-decker bus.
Her friend get a seat downstairs and Ah Soh goes upstairs.
After a while, her friend goes upstair to look for Ah Soh and find her clutching the seats in both hands and her body is shivering
Her friend : "What happened to you ? why are you shivering, I was enjoying my ride downstairs"
AhSoh : "Yeah, but you've got a driver but I don't"
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Posted: 2003-07-01 09:06:38
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Posted: 2003-07-01 09:39:06
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oldies but goodies...
only thing replace 'ah soh' with 'a blonde'
oh well...
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Posted: 2003-07-01 18:01:03
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works either way mate....
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Posted: 2003-07-02 17:11:21
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An old bloke in the nursing home couldn't talk. One day, while he was sitting in a chair,a nurse walked by and noticed that he was leaning to the right. She sat him upright in his chair and told him to sit still. A while later, the nurse came by again, and this time she noticed that he was leaning to the left. She straightened him up and told him again to sit still, or else he might fall out of his chair. The next time she made her rounds, she saw the old guy leaning forward, about to topple headfirst to the floor, so she tied him into the chair for his own good. Later on in the day, his daughter came to visit, and seeing her father strapped into his chair, asked him what was wrong. The old bloke handed her a note, which she unfolded and read. It said, "They won't let me fart."
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Two drug dealers are arrested and appear before a judge for trial. Both men are convicted, but the judge agrees to suspend their sentences if, as a community service, they speak to youngsters and successfully steer them away from drugs. They accept and report back to the judge one week later. The judge asks the first man, "How successful were you getting kids off of drugs?" He replies, "I did very well. I stopped 36 kids from doing drugs." "That's great," replied the judge, "How did you do that?" The man says, "Well first I drew two circles like this." "And then," he continued, "I pointed to the big one and said, 'This is your brain before drugs." "And then I pointed to the small one and said, 'And this is your brain after drugs." "Well," says the judge, "its simple yet effective." He asks the second man how he did. The second man responds, drew two circles just like he did, but I got 100 kids off drugs." "Wow, that's amazing. What did you say that worked so well?" "First I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your arsehole before jail!"
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In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
=====================================================
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Posted: 2003-07-03 03:02:15
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On 2003-07-03 03:02:15, Sjemboll wrote:
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
shhhhhhhh!!! ouch!!!
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Posted: 2003-07-03 03:55:39
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There was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A girl came along and pointed to his dingly dangly and asked, "what is that?" He replied, "It's my bird!"
She ran away to play in the sand cheerfully. The man fell asleep. zZzZzZz. Later he woke up in hospital with pain around his groin. He did not know what had gone wrong. He thought back maybe the girl might know, so once he was out of the hospital he asked her.
She replied, "I played with the bird and it spat at me so I cracked its neck, broke its eggs, and burnt its nest."
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Posted: 2003-07-03 23:07:00
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omg
how can he sleep through that?
would he be rudely awakened?
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Posted: 2003-07-04 05:05:06
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obviously he wuz high on weed
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Posted: 2003-07-04 12:40:59
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