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i wuz reacting to jowi's question to vlam more than the joke....which was good to
*waitin eagerly for vlam's reply*
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Posted: 2003-07-11 09:49:25
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@ Mr Shitter:
@ Jowi: you'll never know...
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Posted: 2003-07-11 10:11:07
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Posted: 2003-07-11 12:11:30
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A fellow called the other day and wanted to know if I'd heard the story
about the mountain farmer who got in his pickup and drove several
miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about 12 opened the door.
"Is yer pa home?" the farmer asked. "No sir he ain't," the boy
replied. "He went to town."
"Well said the farmer, is yer ma here?"
"No, she ain't here either.She went to town with pa." "How about your
brother, Joe, is he here?"
"He went with ma and pa."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?", the boy inquired politely. "I
know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I
could take a message fer pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to
yer pa. It's about your brother Ned getting my daughter, Pearly Mae,
pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment.
"You would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. I
don't know if it helps you any, I know that pa charges $50 for the
bull and $25 for the boar hog but I really don't know how much he gets
for Ned."
___________________________________________________________
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.
"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That"s the owner."
___________________________________________________________
Derek drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite bar and put it in the parking lot in the back. He went inside where Beverly, the pretty blonde bartendress happily greeted him.
He bought a drink and went to sit down at a table.
A few minutes later, Beverly came running up to him yelling, "Derek! Derek! I was putting the trash out the back when I saw someone driving off in your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God!" said Derek, now on his feet. "Did you try to stop him?"
"No," said Beverly, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
___________________________________________________________
Two Redneck's were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began choking on a hamburger. As she gasped and gagged, one Redneck turned to the other and said, "that little gal is havin a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help her." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and licked her on the butt. The young lady was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Rdeneck sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works..
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Posted: 2003-07-14 14:45:06
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my contribution:
What is the difference between a Secretary and a Personal Secretary?
The Secretary says,"Good Morning, Sir" and the Personal Secretary
says,"Its Morning, Sir".
____________________________________________________________
Mabel and Sarah are having a conversation during lunch one afternoon.
Mabel asks, "So, Sarah, how's your sex life these days?" Sarah replies, "Oh, you
know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."
"Social Security?" Mabel asks quizzically.
"Yeah, you know routine, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on".
____________________________________________________________
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
He opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".
"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis"?
"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it".
_______________________________________________________________
A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!"
_____________________________________________________________
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby stork is crying and crying, and father stork is trying to calm him, "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, son is crying, and mother is saying, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork parents are desperate. Their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns, and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
Says the baby stork, "Nowhere in particular. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"
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Posted: 2003-07-15 06:19:23
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Posted: 2003-07-15 12:37:46
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A retired gentleman went to the CPP office to apply for his pension.
After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"I will have to go home and comeback later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his social security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too."
_________________________________________________
Top Country Western Songs of all Time
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here.
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.
_____________________________________________________
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The young man working in that department told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the young man ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the young man said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found his employee and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
Canada, sir," the young man replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
"Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there," said the young man.
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"Really??? Who'd she play for?" the young man quickly replied.
___________________________________________________
A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"
_______________________________________________________
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
_______________________________________________________
Today is my daughters 18th birthday.......
I'm so glad that this is my last ...damn child support payment.
Month after month, year after year, those damn payments!
So I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got here,
I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to
your mothers house and tell that her that this is the last damn check
she's ever going to get from me, and I want you tell me the expression on her face."
So my baby girl took the check over to her.
I was so anxious to hear what the bitch had to say and what she looked
like.
As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Now what did she have
to say?"
"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy..."
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Posted: 2003-07-15 18:01:29
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presenting the next instalment of kids say darndest things
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old, Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
and one particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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Posted: 2003-07-15 18:15:08
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Posted: 2003-07-15 18:38:38
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Posted: 2003-07-15 18:54:44
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