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From a strictly mathematical viewpoint, it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answers these questions:
Q: What does it take to achieve 100% in life? Let's do the math ...
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
BUT, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude, with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, it takes the Attitude to get you there; but if your boss wants more ... Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!
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Posted: 2003-07-16 11:37:46
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My suspicions confirmed after all....
good 1 shits
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Posted: 2003-07-16 17:49:29
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Actual Medical Chart Notes
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
She is numb from her toes down.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
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Posted: 2003-07-16 19:14:31
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Posted: 2003-07-17 06:33:24
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Posted: 2003-07-17 19:26:31
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lol.
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Posted: 2003-07-18 22:33:38
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"The Suppository Incident"
A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand."
The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream.
"Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said.
"It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost.
His wife asked him, "What is it then?"
He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders."
______________________________________
An 87 year old man visited his doctor and aske for "a half dose of Viagra."
His doctor asked, "Why only a half a dose?"
He replied, "I only need enough to keep from peeing on my shoes!"
_________________________________________
3 men walked into a bar. The bartender said if you can stay in my basement for a day i will give you free beer forever. The first man says easy but walks out 5 minutes later. It's impossible you gota swarm of flys in there, so the second man tried his luck but couldn't take no more then 10 minutes. So the thrid guy goes in and comes out a day later. The others ask him how he did it, he said I sat in one corner and pooped in the other.
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Posted: 2003-07-20 16:09:32
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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of
money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank
to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After
much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the
president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank
president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this
cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much
cash around. "Where did you get this money?" The old lady
replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind
of bets?" The old woman said, "Well,for example, I'll bet you $25,000
that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president,
"That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not
square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot
of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00AM
as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a
long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to
side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he
was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he
would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the
little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She
introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000
says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed
with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they
could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered
closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I
guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that
the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President
asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM
today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
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Posted: 2003-07-20 20:57:19
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haha good one!
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Posted: 2003-07-20 22:13:45
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oldie-but-goodie
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Posted: 2003-07-20 22:28:58
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