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A Crappy Date (A True Story)
Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.
Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater
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Posted: 2003-08-16 17:38:28
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haha
havent seen u for a while mr shitter
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Posted: 2003-08-16 21:18:48
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@vlam:
@jwy: howdy mate....hope the blackout din really affect ya....they're saying to watch out for a baby boom 9 mths later
hows it hanging mate.....classes gettin to ya yet, like it did to diaper boy???
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Posted: 2003-08-17 05:44:09
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it will soon
i was out of power for 13 hours!!!!
some ppl were worse tho
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Posted: 2003-08-17 23:19:03
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Heard about the guy that died coz the airco switched off and could no longer cool his skin?? Poor bastard, he'd had an electrical shock a couple of yrs ago that burnt him badly... survived..... now he dies coz the thing that failed to kill him finds a new way of torturing him. Poor soul.
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Posted: 2003-08-18 08:49:15
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The Inland Revenue send their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we
have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the
crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well,
Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to The Inland Revenue"
"Inland Revenue...?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Inland Revenue "...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you"
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs as soon as possible due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!"
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5- day / 20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."
He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another
20 lbs, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day / 50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you, you're mine."
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Posted: 2003-08-18 18:58:37
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yeah too bad for him
pretty messed up
i'm suprised at ottawa tho
someone during the blackout stole a bus
but the cops got him
heh
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Posted: 2003-08-18 19:04:30
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Cavey... those are hilarious!
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Posted: 2003-08-18 19:16:56
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Thanks Vlam
However, the credit for the jokes has to go to my joke supplier
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Posted: 2003-08-18 20:44:23
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my compliments to your supplier then
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Posted: 2003-08-19 04:30:35
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