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yeah heard that one before
Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea."
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Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.
After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.
The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.
The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."
She says, "Smell the rim."
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Posted: 2003-08-22 21:24:34
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smell the rim!!!! darn that's gross
eleventy7, i think u just spoilt me apetite this morn mate
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Posted: 2003-08-23 03:39:09
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i aim to please
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Posted: 2003-08-23 12:52:25
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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What to you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?
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A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Wal-mart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it. When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. He
comes out and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then says, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says, "Perhaps if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might."
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A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."
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A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That was too much!"He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the client.He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was really well hung.She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"
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Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee."It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."Adam popped a cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please.........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.And so it was. And it was...well, good."Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
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Posted: 2003-08-23 15:58:43
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Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
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Posted: 2003-08-25 18:31:30
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haha
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Posted: 2003-08-25 20:38:10
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Life's as such....MISTAKES!!!
If a barber makes a mistake,
It's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident...
If a doctor makes a mistake,
It's an operation...
If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture...
If parents makes a mistake,
It is a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake ,
It is a new theory...
If our boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake......
If an employee makes a mistake,
It is "YOUR GOD DAMN FAULT YOU STUPID MORON"
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Posted: 2003-08-26 09:41:30
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Sex is boring....
Incest is relatively boring...
Necrophilia is dead boring....
(I used to be a necrophiliac...until some rotten c**t split on me!)
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Posted: 2003-08-27 14:31:57
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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
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Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaa..."
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Posted: 2003-08-27 20:36:43
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baa....moo...wat's the difference
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Posted: 2003-08-28 09:29:50
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