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OK, i found this article on the net, i thought it was pretty good. In its original form its much more aggressive, i've tried my best to tone down the language etc. These are not my words, but it certainly makes interesting reading. If you want the link to the original web page, pm me.

God Doesn't Like You And Neither Do I

I have it on good authority ( http://www.sdcitybeat.com/article.php?id=4062 ) that there are 6.6 billion people on my planet and that all of them but me and one or two of you are crazy as a three-peckered goat. They weren’t born that way, they got taught to be completely and hopelessly insane by their parents whose spooky-ass fears, rites and ideologies have made our planet, in the span of just twenty centuries, totally undesirable to aliens. Green thingys are buzzing around Venus pulling intergalactic U-Hauls right now thinking, “Well sure, it’s hot, and completely cloaked in methane, but at least there aren’t any of those scary, nutty human beings down there.”

Looky here, Yussef. You really need to rethink being so pissed off at the Danes whose progressive social democracy extends to you and your descendents full and free access to universal health care, affordable housing, education, employment preparation and placement assistance from the moment you throw down your prayer rug on their permafrost. Quit blowing stuff up. Seriously. It’s not that we don’t understand, it’s that we don’t care, you backward-ass camel jockeys.

I’m not through. Not by a long shot. Christians – I couldn’t give two good hoots less about anything you think, nothing. Please don’t reach out to me. I’m not saying Jesus didn’t have his stuff straight. I’m saying your own stuff is about as straight as a glove full of geckos.

To be fair, gay men, stop referring to women as “fish.” It's insulting. And stop maligning breeders because they conform to the 80 to 90 percent majority of human experience. Stop bonding with yourselves in exclusive little packs that are as intolerant in their way as the mainstream at the expense of whose fear you have yourselves been so long oppressed. I know it’s hard. But as long as the only opinion people in Kansas have of you comes from some queen on Will and Grace, you haven’t really come a long way, baby.

Lesbians – Sandals do not require socks.

Mormons – Oh holy crap. What kind of whacky sons of bitches are you? Has anyone read the Book of Mormon? I have. Unbelievable. They’ve got talking salamanders, angels named Moroni, lost tribes of white Indians and Jesus in Nebraska. Y’all just ain’t right in the heads. Knock it off right now. I’m telling you the world does not like you, and not because we’re still in the dark, because you’re crazy.

And don’t you Jews go getting all self-righteous. Yeah you had it rough. No I will not in any way understate the horrors of the Holocaust. But I can’t remember a prominent Rabbi any time in the past three years using his pulpit to denounce the world’s powers for their flagrant spending on wanton occupation of the Middle East (because there’s oil there) at the same time that not one single white man with a gun has come anywhere near Darfur (no oil, just black people dying by the thousands). I also don’t recall the Israelis throwing any troops at the situation in the former Yugoslavia a decade or so back. I guess genocide only rises to significance if it involves the Chosen People.
You can sure see why God wouldn’t choose the folks in Darfur – for one thing they’re the wrong color, for another thing they don’t own any banks. Chosen people! Here’s a tip in social etiquette for you, Schlomo: other people don’t like it when you run around telling them God loves you best.
And another thing, the Bible Code is stupid hocus-pocus nonesense. It’s a language without vowels and a game without rules. I could find as much significant encoding in the Playstation 2 manual as there is in the Torah.

I could go on . . . all right, I will.

Hindus – You’re starving, eat the damn cows!

Japanese people – Cartoon pornography is a sure sign that a culture is beyond any hope.

Rednecks – There are two kinds of women in the world, women who are related to you and women you can sleep with. The two sets do not overlap.

Women – You are not, got it NOT, indistinguishable from your sexuality. We know you are real people with real opinions, beliefs and aspirations. We actually like that about you. Men like you for who you are but they also want to have sex with you. It’s not objectification, it’s having a nut sack. Like you don’t objectify us. If you were above objectification short, ugly, poor guys would get laid all the time.

Native Americans (Injuns, that is) – It’s not your fault, it’s a disease, but I don’t give a damn. Put down the whiskey, Cochise.

Black people – What was wrong with men like James Baldwin, Sydney Poitier and Paul Robeson as popular representations of your subculture? I admire everything about Julian Bond, but I wouldn’t pee on 50 Cent, Kanye West or P Diddy if they were on fire. Makes you wonder why the collective unconscience has trouble purging itself of negative images doesn’t it? It might help if you’d keep Flavor Flav and Ice T off the airwaves.

And finally, straight white guys like me, particularly the ones who think they’ve got it all figured out but do precious little to make anything better because we’re so busy feeling above it – Your penis will never be as big as you would like. Women accept that. That’s why we still pay ourselves a third more than them. Simple, no?

So that’s that. If you have ever wondered what’s wrong in the world now you know. I expect all y’all people to square your asses away and start shitting me Tiffany cuff links quicker than you can say “Get a rope!” I don’t care if it’s in France, Australia, Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Iraq, Afghanistan, the West Bank, the Sudan or right here at home. I am the Emperor of the United States of America, you lunatics. I am in charge of everything. I have been for a few months. You should know that by now. I am a benevolent Emperor but I have my limits. Don’t push me.



[ This Message was edited by: methylated_spirit on 2006-03-08 16:07 ]
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Posted: 2006-03-08 13:43:48
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Thats very interesting..could'nt have said it better myself!
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Posted: 2006-03-08 13:50:27
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classic mate! and the original is even better nice one for taking time o make the one posted postable.....

Legend!
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Posted: 2006-03-08 15:10:48
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hits the nail on the head! And it's not racist as it has a go at pretty much everyone
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Posted: 2006-03-08 17:02:43
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