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If you want to guarantee your spot in the unemployment line, try some of these moves:
1. Don't bother learning what's expected of you.
Sit down with your manager and make sure you understand exactly what your job entails, your deadlines and any relevant department policies. This eliminates ambiguity and ensures you'll know how your performance measures up.
2. Learn to say, "That's not part of my job description," and use it frequently.
Everyone needs to set limits, but doing only the bare minimum sends a clear message that you're just interested in a regular paycheck. Sooner or later, your boss will start looking for someone willing to take more initiative.
3. Go shopping in the supply closet.
While you're at it, run a few errands with the company car and pad your expense report. Stealing from the company is one of the best ways to guarantee your immediate dismissal.
4. Abuse company technology.
Think your boss won't notice that you spend more time instant messaging your friends than you do working? Think again. Most companies monitor all their employees' e-mails and Internet usage -- and that includes what you do with your laptop after hours. Never use your company computer for anything illegal or X-rated.
5. Complain about your job to anyone who will listen.
Whether your pay is too low, the work is drudgery or you think your boss is an idiot, be careful of who hears you complain. If it gets back to your boss, she may just put you out of your misery.
6. Forget teamwork -- look out for No. 1.
No one wants to work with an arrogant employee who steals ideas or an egotistical worker who demeans others. Helping your co-workers doesn't make you a pushover, it makes you smart. Likeable employees move up the company ranks more quickly, and your colleagues will be more likely to help you find leads when you launch your next job search.
7. Bring your personal life to work.
It's inevitable that personal business is going to pop up during work hours. But keep in mind that cubicles don't lend any privacy, so the whole office can hear -- and are distracted by -- you making that appointment with your waxer. Keep personal calls and errands to a minimum during work hours.
8. Consistently work "abbreviated" workdays.
Want to show your boss how little you care about your job or career progress? Regularly come in late and leave early. After all, if you can't be trusted to show up on time, how can your boss trust you with more responsibility?
9. Treat deadlines more like guidelines.
When you procrastinate, everyone suffers. Your missed deadlines reflect poorly on you and your boss, and they delay everyone else on the project, since they can't finish their work until you do yours.
10. Operate the gossip mill.
While you can't avoid office gossip completely, don't get caught spreading it. Think about it: Do you really want hurtful or untrue rumors to be traced back to you? And remember: A few martinis are no excuse for getting loose-lipped.
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Posted: 2006-09-15 17:27:06
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Thats pretty funny, I like number two, I can just image someone going around saying that. Heres my one:
24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
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Posted: 2006-09-15 21:03:09
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Subject: Swearing at Work - Alternative phrases
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could do with more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't have a f*cking clue, do you?
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f*cking power-crazy b*tch.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f*ck do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: F*ck off a*se-wipe.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: Well f*ck me backwards with a telegraph pole.
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a f*ck.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: Not my f*cking problem, mate.
8 TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking chance mate.
10) TRY SAYING: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in.
NSTEAD OF: Why the f*ck didn't you tell me that yesterday?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his f*cking a*se.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Oi, f*ck face.
13) TRY SAYING: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway.
INSTEAD OF: Yeah, who needs f*cking holidays anyway.
Thank You,
Human Resources
_________________
BELIEVE|
TERRORSTORM[ This Message was edited by: axxxr on 2006-09-16 02:03 ]
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Posted: 2006-09-16 03:03:13
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that's hilarious
nice found mate
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Posted: 2006-09-16 04:23:44
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i got one to add to your easy ways to get fired
just whip your cock out then dance found the office
bet u a tenna it works (unless you work in a strip joint)
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Posted: 2006-09-16 07:27:19
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These are some reports on genius staff employed a large corporation
1. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
2. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom – and continues to dig.
3. His men would follow him anywhere – but only out of morbid curiosity.
4. I would not allow this employee to breed.
5. This employee is really not so much as a ‘has been’ but more of a ‘wont be’.
6. This employee works well when under constant supervision – like a rat caught in a trap.
7. When she opens her mouth it seems it is only to change feet.
8. He would be out of depth in a car park puddle.
9. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
10. He sets low personal standards – and constantly fails to achieve them.
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Posted: 2006-09-16 17:37:05
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TOP TEN STRESSFUL PROFESSIONS
IT
Medicine / Caring Profession
Engineering
Sales and Marketing
Education
Finance
Human Resources
Operations
Production
Clerical
TOP TEN WORK STRESSES
Workload
Feeling undervalued
Deadlines
Type of work people have to do
Having to take on other people’s work
Lack of job satisfaction
Lack of control over the working day
Having to work long hours
Frustration with the working environment
Targets
TOP TEN COLLEAGUE IRRITATIONS
Seeing others not pulling their weight
Managers changing their minds about what they want doing
Lack of support from managers
Pressure from managers
Feeling put-upon by managers
Interruptions by colleagues
Interruptions by managers
Bullying behavior by managers
Lack of support from colleagues
Bullying behavior by colleagues
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Posted: 2006-09-18 02:27:17
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Posted: 2006-09-18 03:37:08
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